You can be kind without being a pushover

Be blunt

Be mean

Be difficult

Put yourself first

Don’t be polite & easy

Don’t care what others think

Disappoint other people regularly

And above all else, don’t compromise

How to be an awful person

This is a trend I’ve seen on social media over the last few years

Well intentioned people instructing others to be awful people

Would you want to be around someone like this?

Would you want to live your life this way?

Like a selfish, rude, narcissist?

But I get it

Sometimes we’re too nice

We don’t understand our boundaries and let ourselves get walked all over

But this is an overcorrection

It doesn’t have to be this way

You can be kind without being a pushover

You don’t have to be an awful person to negotiate for what you want

Why we think being awful works: Worst-Motive fallacy

Joel Walmsley and Cathal O’Madagain published a paper in October 2020 titled:

“The Worst-Motive Fallacy: A Negativity Bias in Motive Attribution”

They found that people would attribute the worst motive to a hypothetical subject

They did this even when the subject had better paths they could choose

The worse the motive, the more likely the participants were to believe the subject would choose it

Even if the participants wouldn’t choose that motive for themselves

What does this mean?

We are quick to attribute motives to others

And especially quick to attribute negative motives to others

Motives that we wouldn’t choose ourselves

How does this affect how we see the world around us?

The person that got the promotion? They must have undercut someone or screwed someone else over, maybe even me

Look at all these people doing better than me! It must be because of all the bad they do…

If that’s true, then we conclude:

If they act like I think they act (they don’t), then I should act that way as well

And soon all that bitterness and resentment starts leading you down a dark path…

We look for patterns and find them even when they’re not there

Did the thief steal so their child could eat?

Or did they steal because they're a thief with no respect for others?

Did they steal for the thrill?

For their selfish ends?

Even if we’ll never know, we’ll fill in the gaps anyway

Humans are pattern matchers

We create stories in our head to explain what’s happening in the world around us

Sometimes these stories turn out to be true, sometimes they don’t

Sometimes we’ll never know, but we act as if the stories are true

Negativity bias

We also have a negativity bias

We attribute malice to someone else’s behavior

But for ourselves we look to external factors

We did this because x happened (external) vs you did this because you are y (internal)

We look around and see people who’ve done bad things and we see their success

We then conclude that that’s how you succeed

Except we only do this when negative things happen

When positive things happen, we brush it off

“Oh that Margot, there she goes again doing her best to make me look good. She must be out to make my life better” - said no one, pretty much never

The truth is, no one acts their best all the time

We all make mistakes

We’re all flawed human beings

And while there are some horrible people out there

They are fewer than you think and you don’t have to be one of them

The dark path vs a healthy response

A few years back, I found someone who had put themselves on the dark path, but found their way out

It was in an Agile workshop I was running

We were discussing the Agile manifesto

We had reached the first value statement:

Individuals and Interactions over Processes and Tools

I asked the group what it would look like if we flipped that and valued:

Processes and Tools over Individuals and Interactions

He laughed and said, “I used to be that guy!”

He worked in operations, and whenever a team had a site outage or emergency, he would be the go-to guy

When people would come to him with their problems, he would bluntly tell them

“Open a ticket. Talk to my manager. If he prioritizes it, then I can look into it”

After which he would refuse to interact with them further or help them with their crisis

He was acting with all the awful behaviors I described at the beginning of this article

I asked him what that was like, he said

“It was awful! Everyone hated me and no one wanted to work with me”

And in the end, he would have to resolve the crisis anyway

What did he do instead?

He could have done whatever they said and added that on top of his existing work load

Then he would get in trouble with his manager for falling behind on his other work (like a pushover)

Instead, he found a healthy response

He would let them know he’d start looking into the problem immediately

He’d ask them to help him out while he’s doing that by opening a ticket and letting his manager know what was going on

Now he was being helpful, kind, and supportive, without sacrificing himself

He was valuing individuals and interactions

While still ensuring the processes were being taken care of

Should I take it personally?

I was at my gym the other day

At the end of the workout the coach calls out each person's name

Then he records their score in the tracking system

This time the coach forgot to call out my name and enter my score

It’s not the first time this has happened

I don’t recall it ever happening to anyone else

What could it mean?

If I were to give in to my biases I would attribute motive to his behavior

I would assume he doesn’t like me

If that’s true, then I should take that personally

I’ll hold a grudge and act a little colder around him

I’ll look for reasons not to like him and I’ll avoid his classes

Or maybe it’s because my name is near the end of the list and he gets distracted by other things

Maybe the truth is he doesn’t spend much time thinking about me one way or another because he has a class to run

You can laugh at how ridiculous it would be for me to take it personally, but ask yourself

“Have I ever taken a small interaction personally when I shouldn’t have?”

Yeah, that’s right

I see you

Should I say yes to everything? Should I say no to everything?

When I bring this subject up, people want to simplify it into an all or nothing matter

We either say yes to everything or no to everything

The answer is neither and both

The answer is to find a path that is helpful to those around you without being unhealthy for you

Sometimes this is an easy and obvious yes

Sometimes it’s going to be no

Most times there is a way to help the other person without doing exactly what they asked for

Why do I always have to be the bigger person?

This is another one I hear often

We’re in conflict with another person

It feels unfair that we get held to a higher standard than the other person

This often originates from the worst-motive fallacy, but:

There is no being the bigger person

There is only acting in accordance with who you want to be

The path to being an awful person is walked one step at a time

Likewise the path for being the person you want to be

Each interaction is an opportunity for you to decide who you are

You are what you repeatedly do

It’s not being the bigger person, it’s choosing who you want to be

The universe is a complex system and we are a small part of it

Contrary to what we may want to think, the world does not revolve around us

And yet, our actions have ways of rippling out into the universe

You may not believe in karma

But investing in your relationships has a compounding effect

Both your negative and positive interactions compound over time

Which one do you want to invest in?

Being a better person

Take out 2 pieces of paper or open up 2 empty files to type in

Label one - The Hero

The other - The Villain

For the hero, describe yourself as you want to be at your best

What are the habits, traits, and behaviors of you at your best

Do you regularly go to the gym?

What are your eating habits?

What are you like with other people?

What’s your day look like?

Next, the Villain

This is you at your worst

What happens when you walk the dark path?

How do you act?

How do you interact with others?

What habits do you have?

Your goal is to check in every day and ask yourself

“Which path am I walking?”

Wrapping Up

Hanlon’s Razor states that we should:

“Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity”

Assume negligence, ignorance, or carelessness before jumping to malice

You have a standard to live up to, even if it's not society's standard

You decide what a good person is and you have to try and live up to your standards

Sometimes you won't, but you keep trying

You are what you continually do, not what you did once

This goes for both the deeds that you are proud of as well as those that make you feel ashamed

Remember, it’s about balance

You can help yourself without harming others

You can help others without harming yourself

You don't have to be liked by everyone, but you also don't have to try to be disliked by everyone

It doesn’t have to be a zero sum game

If you’re struggling with some of your interpersonal interactions, reach out

I can help you with some strategies tailored to your specific situation

Let’s try to avoid going down the dark path

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